I just spent the better part of the last two days in bed, crying or sleeping. I didn't eat anything in that time (I just pigged out at Denny's if you are worried mom). I didn't even watch TV. I finally got out of bed because I had given myself a backache and my landlord was singing Rihanna's "Umbrella" song. Incessantly. In his middle-eastern accent. The combination was too torturous, so I forced myself up onto shaky legs and out the door.

The travails of my summer really took a toll on me, in many ways. Depression is biochemical in nature, and it was a long spiral from January to August when things came to a head with my roommate. The trauma of that BS made my serotonin plummet. The further trauma of a bad interaction with an antidepressant (Celexa) made things much, much worse. I'm still getting used to a new antidepressant (Prozac), but since it only inhibits the destruction of serotonin, it doesn't help much in making more of it in the first place. Getting my body into the mode of making more is up to me - and it's really fucking difficult. There is no reason for me to be depressed in Waikiki.

Anyway, I had a really long conversation with a good friend this evening about how to get started on fixing this situation. One of the main problems I have right now is complete disinterest in life, the universe, and everything, except, oddly, helping my students in my database classes (it's the one thing I've been able to cling to). One of the things that came up in our conversation was my long time desire to be a filmmaker (really, this goes back to childhood). I had even picked out a school I thought had a program that fit me, but I backburnered the idea because I thought it was a) foolish b) self-indulgent c) too expensive d) that I have nothing to say e) that I'm not talented enough f) not worthwhile (I have an odd hang-up that I have it in me to save the world - maybe I do, but I'm not going to get anywhere crying in a dark room).

So, maybe me becoming a filmmaker is a and b, but fuck it. If Jean-Claude Van Damme can have a good decade long run in film, so can I. As for d, I have a lot of somethings to say, I've been saying them here, and I've been saying them in my fiction (and the comic I wrote that I need to post *sigh*). A lot of what I have to say comes from a place of deep-seated anger at the injustices of the world, so it's not frivolous stuff either. As for e and f, half the time I go to the movie theater I walk away without buying a ticket, because only crap is playing. Crap not worth my time or money or yours either. I hate sitting through a movie, analyzing crappy dialog, editing, acting, directing, or cinematography (sloppy focus pulls really annoy me). I prefer to become involved in the story and characters and be taken away from my life for two hours. I prefer to see something original and thought provoking, or at the very least, something that doesn't insult my intelligence. I think I could be a filmmaker capable of creating the sort of films that fit that category. I'll probably never win an Oscar or become a millionaire, but I don't want those things. I just want to make people think. And, this is the self-indulgent part, I want my ideas to be remembered long after I'm dead. I want to know that I mattered in the world, that I haven't just been a temporary carbon sink.

As for c, I think I have a solution, though it is incredibly harebrained. Since the thought of being burdened with student loans again fills me with nausea and dread, I'd like to finance myself through film school. However, at about $40,000 just for tuition, that's going to be tough to save up for. So, as an experiment, I'm going to do two things: 1) set up a separate paypal account to solicit donations from anyone willing to support me ($5-$20 donations could add up quickly) and 2) set up an Amazon wishlist for proper filmmaking equipment so that I can make decent short films even before or instead of going to film school (the latter is valuable because of the people I'll meet and network with). Being able to create films more immediately provides a quicker return on investment for those who donate, increases my industry cred, and allows me to work with other filmmakers faster.

What do you think? I'd love to hear back from you, my loyal readers (all five of you). I would like to go anywhere from 1 year to 2 years from now (about the amount of time I'll need to pysch myself up for living a year in LA). Do you think this is feasible? Would you be willing to see a film written and directed by me?