Saturday, November 03, 2007
Errrr. *Sigh*. I had a really asinine argument with a friend today at lunch. I was out with three men, two of whom began oggling a woman sitting alone, who they sort of knew. They said she was hot. A couple of times. The third friend remained, wisely, pokerfaced and silent on the subject. I, stupidly, made a comment about how I hated how men were so visually stimulated - a constant irritant for those of us of the female persuasion that have IQs over 140 (heck, over 110), and despise living in a society were we are judged almost entirely on appearances by both men and often other women (who are brainwashed by ridiculous male standards).
I ended up walking out of the restaurant before my food came because of a (I have to admit, well-timed and witty) insult about my attitudes toward men in this particular regard.
Anyway. I realize this isn't Saudi Arabia, and I'm not as oppressed as I sometimes feel, but god damn it, I have to stick up for my own dignity and the dignity of other women. I will not refrain from chastising males around me for objectifying women. While I believe that it is natural and biological for men to feel attracted to women based on physical features, I do not believe it is right for men to put a filter on women - summarily dismissing women based solely on physical appearance. And if you think I mean this in the sense of mate selection only you are wrong - I've noticed many men apply this to every woman, in any context. I think this is a socialization issue. There was actually a poet (male - Darren Cambria to be specific) at the slam last night who performed an incredibly moving poem about abused women - and how men behaving violently towards women is a learned behavior. While oggling is not anywhere near violence, it is in the same realm.
However, what shocked me most, and actually turned into a bit of a learning experience for me, is how one of my friends reacted to me saying that women aren't as visually stimulated as men are (anyone who has ever studied the market for porn versus the market for romance novels understands this difference is extremely clear). He got a bit upset, referenced his own appearance (which I will describe as average and normal for an American male his age), and said that women would prefer a six pack of abs (yeah, the shallow stupid women who are entirely too wrapped up in their own appearances). My heart went out to him in that moment. I felt so bad that he had been affected by the same crappy cultural memes that make women miserable about their own appearances. That's not cool.
What makes it worse, is that I've been doing male model photography. I love doing portraiture, and it just happens that most of my models have been male (I think men are more comfortable with a female photographer). This friend was aware of a recent shoot I did where the model was shirtless, sporting a ripped physique. I was interested in getting the muscles to look right on the model, in interesting lighting, worried about composition and mood. I was creating art in a collaborative way, but I got the distinct impression that my friend at lunch considered it erotica (he used a slightly different word). Before this argument, I never thought that what I did for fun could be considered a part of these horrible social memes that make normal people feel bad about themselves. I realized I could very well be a *gasp* hypocrite.
What do I do now? I dunno. Try to make peace with my friend. Maybe somehow incorporate this realization of hypocrisy into my art and writing. Really examine ideas of beauty overtly, instead of seething about them inside all the time.
I ended up walking out of the restaurant before my food came because of a (I have to admit, well-timed and witty) insult about my attitudes toward men in this particular regard.
Anyway. I realize this isn't Saudi Arabia, and I'm not as oppressed as I sometimes feel, but god damn it, I have to stick up for my own dignity and the dignity of other women. I will not refrain from chastising males around me for objectifying women. While I believe that it is natural and biological for men to feel attracted to women based on physical features, I do not believe it is right for men to put a filter on women - summarily dismissing women based solely on physical appearance. And if you think I mean this in the sense of mate selection only you are wrong - I've noticed many men apply this to every woman, in any context. I think this is a socialization issue. There was actually a poet (male - Darren Cambria to be specific) at the slam last night who performed an incredibly moving poem about abused women - and how men behaving violently towards women is a learned behavior. While oggling is not anywhere near violence, it is in the same realm.
However, what shocked me most, and actually turned into a bit of a learning experience for me, is how one of my friends reacted to me saying that women aren't as visually stimulated as men are (anyone who has ever studied the market for porn versus the market for romance novels understands this difference is extremely clear). He got a bit upset, referenced his own appearance (which I will describe as average and normal for an American male his age), and said that women would prefer a six pack of abs (yeah, the shallow stupid women who are entirely too wrapped up in their own appearances). My heart went out to him in that moment. I felt so bad that he had been affected by the same crappy cultural memes that make women miserable about their own appearances. That's not cool.
What makes it worse, is that I've been doing male model photography. I love doing portraiture, and it just happens that most of my models have been male (I think men are more comfortable with a female photographer). This friend was aware of a recent shoot I did where the model was shirtless, sporting a ripped physique. I was interested in getting the muscles to look right on the model, in interesting lighting, worried about composition and mood. I was creating art in a collaborative way, but I got the distinct impression that my friend at lunch considered it erotica (he used a slightly different word). Before this argument, I never thought that what I did for fun could be considered a part of these horrible social memes that make normal people feel bad about themselves. I realized I could very well be a *gasp* hypocrite.
What do I do now? I dunno. Try to make peace with my friend. Maybe somehow incorporate this realization of hypocrisy into my art and writing. Really examine ideas of beauty overtly, instead of seething about them inside all the time.
posted by KaOs at
11/03/2007 02:34:00 AM
5 Comments:
Men can not help but be visually stimulated. You are correct in saying that women are not *as* visually stimulated.
Men do have a hard time with this concept. The reason that is- men get turned on by looking at a woman they like. Women on the other hand do not get turned on. The woman may like the view but it is not stimulating. That is the distinct difference. Men have a hard time with this concept. They think that we do get as stimulated as they do.
I also think that men should also be more respectful to company they are in when they are ogling at women. I hate it when I am talking to a guy and I can clearly tell they are scanning the room for a woman to visually stimulate them. Then they get this strange look that they all get that shows me that they have found it. (Could it be the blood rushing out of their brain look?)
Another point, it is far more common to see a good looking woman with a so so man than a good looking man with a so so woman. Think about it. It is very true.
Women are often attracted to more than looks. A woman can be convinced to go out with a man that she isn't *that* physically attracted to and could end up falling for him but does that happen very often the other way around? Not really.
As for you exploiting males with photography, I just do not see that as true. It is just not that serious. Sure the pics are of good looking men being good looking! Is there anything really wrong with that? They are not naked chained to your basement, there are not the words "marry me" plastered in quotes above their faces.
The fact is most women that look at the pictures would want to possibly date them, not just jump into the sack with them and hope they never see them again. That is the distinct difference.
Assumption #1 we are all hypocrites. Get over it. Take some pictures and have fun exploiting a man, we may actually be enjoying ourselves.
Keep it up and don't look back. Men are dense enough that they're not going to understand the pressures and unfairness until they feel it themselves.
ye left the table before yer meal came, i reckon the staff were angry.
ye left the table cause yer friends said a girl at the next table was good looking? doesn't really make sense. if ye were angry at all , it was a bit of an over the top reaction. and instead of walking off why not try understand it more?
men don't have a hard time with this concept, its natural and impossible for a man not to do.
on your point about so so woman with a good looking man; of course thats the way it is- mens sexual arousal is far more based around physical attraction; so clearly the result will be as is. soso men with good looking women and more thna likely not the other way around. [generally of course like you stated].
as for girls locked up in the basement imagery and the likes; if men are aroused by physical looks; wouldn't it be natural that men they have fantasies and/or dreams about physical looks?
perhaps you were more angry at the lack of respect shown when you were talkin to them, for you to leave the table, i would have to assume they were vulgar.
i don't think its proper to be angry at men for being the way they are, same goes the other way around. but if anything you should have been angry at your friends for lack of repect they had shown for you; which isn't much.
what do you think?
Well, Anonymous, I prepaid for my food (falafels) so I can't see the staff being too chuffed.
I think this is a point of politeness. Whether a man is helplessly aroused whenever he sees a pretty woman (which is so pathetic - who'd want to live like that?) or not, he should have the self control not to verbally or physically express his arousal when it is not socially appropriate. I'd rather be around men who fart publicly.
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